When the family is expecting a new baby, the parents should talk to their older children explaining how important the older child’s help is going to be in caring for their new baby brother or sister. The parents should also discuss the children’s considerable responsibilities as older brothers or sisters.

Parents should never demonstrate a special preference for one of their children. Giving preferential treatment to either one of their children is one of the most toxic attitudes that parents can have with respect to their families. There cannot be any good reason for parents to encourage their children’s feelings of rivalry by confirming such suspicions. Children naturally feel competitive, and often, jealous of each other. Some may even be convinced that they are receiving less attention and/or love from mom and dad. For this reason, parents should do their best to avoid labelling or comparing. “Sima is much more hard-headed than Jiten.” Or “Jiten is doing better in reading than Sima.” This will only foster their competition and jealousy.

Parents need to plan and carry out frequent “family activities” with all of their children. During these, parents should try to avoid games and contests in which one of the children “wins” and the others “lose”. They should instead look for activities and pastimes in which they all “win” if they cooperate with one another.

Above all, parents need to spend time with each one of their children. Parents need to take the time to play an active part in the shaping of their children’s minds, to share life experiences with them, and to become a friend to them.

Only get involved in your children’s disputes if there is a danger of physical harm. Even then, encourage your children to resolve the crisis themselves. If you intervene, try to resolve problems with your children, not for them. Don’t put too much focus on figuring out which child is to blame for your children’s quarrels. It takes two to fight — anyone who is involved is partly responsible.

If your children frequently squabble over the same items (such as TV or video games) post a schedule showing which child “owns” that item at what times during the week.

If fights between your school-age children are frequent, have weekly family meetings in which you repeat your family’s rules about fighting and name-calling and review them. Family meetings, once a thing you saw only on old sitcoms, where each person speaks their mind respectfully, are a great solution to this problem of sibling rivalry. Agree as a group on things that each member of the family can do, or not do as the case may be, to improve sibling relations.

When parents see the older children are feeling left out and unappreciated, there are ways to mend the problem. One way is to take outings with the older children leaving the little ones at home. The parents can structure the outings so that the older youngsters have “one-on-one” time with first one parent and then the other. During these outings, the parents say pleasant things to the older children such as, “You are so grown-up! It is a big help to Mom and Dad.” Then you can reinforce the older children’s importance by saying, “Let’s get some food for the baby, what do you think the baby would like to eat? You choose some food.” Give the older children a sense of importance about the role they play in the nurturing of the baby.

When people compliment the baby, look for ways to point out something nice about the older children. For example, a doting aunt walks in and says, “Oh, the baby is so beautiful!” The parents can say, “Now we have two beautiful children instead of just one.” After the statement, give the older child a hug, or a smile and a wink.

If you feel all your best efforts have failed, warn your children that if the constant fighting continues, they will lose privileges. You must be careful not to be too harsh, and above all, be fair to both siblings. If a child feels unfairly punished, or feels their sibling is favoured over themselves, they won’t change their behaviour. They also won’t direct their anger and frustration towards you, they’ll feel that to do so would risk losing your love and approval. Instead, they will direct their frustration and anger towards their sibling, exacerbating the conflict.

Allow your children their own “time and space”, daily if possible. Make this an agreed upon time that no one can bug them unless it’s absolutely necessary. Expecting children to play together all the time will drive everyone crazy. Take the time to recognise your children when they are behaving well and getting along. Encourage their cooperative behaviour by telling them how proud and grateful you are that they are working well together. Praise is the most effective way to get your children to want to repeat their good behaviour.